This year the madness will be totally unpredictable. Like the fat chick* you bring home from a bar at 2am. She could be a dirty girl who likes to watch porn and decides that a couple of vodkas and walking straight up to your room and nuding up is a must. Or she just wants to cruise over hoping you have a fresh box of ham and chess hot pockets and passes out on your couch after two bites. You have no idea what’s going to happen until it actually happens. Let’s not lie to each other, the reason we all love March Madness is because we’ve all had the fat chick who likes vodka and porn. I guess in this case I should only speak for myself but bring on the fat chicks!
Let’s start from the top. Two of the four one seeds didn’t even make their conference tournament final game. Of course the overall top seed Louisville won it all and is from the same Big East Conference. Last year all four number ones made the final four for the first time ever. Will it happen again? My guess is no way. All four teams have huge flaws but of the top four I do like Louisville to make a nice run. They’ve won ten in a row in a ridiculously tough conference but, only had to play Pitt and UConn once. Great team, forty minutes of hell, 6’9” point forward who loves to throw dimes in Terrence Williams. Their scoring is really spread out and they should live up to the overall number one seed.
Pitt outside of 2007 usually wins a game or two and goes back home to the steel city. You got to love De Juan Blair who is a big meat who likes to bang but will he get the ball when they need a score? That’s why you hear all the experts talk about guard play in the tournament. They’re the ones who make all the decisions with ball. Get the ball to Blair and they make it two the second weekend. They’ve certainly never had the #1 seed which is a much easier road but it would not shock me at all if they lost to Tennessee or Oklahoma St in the second round.
UConn to me is soft like pudding. Hasheem Thabet is 7’3” and only averages 10 boards a game. If you go at him and get him into foul trouble he’s useless. FYI, he will be a terrible pro….think Shawn Bradley. They should win the first couple of games but if Washington gets through look out. Jon Brockman all 6’7” 255lbs will be punching Thabet right in the mouth.
UNC is all about one guy, Ty Lawson. With a healthy Lawson they find a way to the final four or without him they may be done in week one. Please don’t start with what about Tyler Hansbourgh? He owes his whole career to Lawson just like every Bull owes Michael Jordan at least 20% of their free agents contracts they signed when they left the team. Totally overrated! I’m not saying he’s not great but I am saying he is overrated. Plus aren’t we supposed to hate on a white guy from the ACC?
As for the rest of the field here are some teams I think could make a run at the very least get out of the first weekend.
Dayton - Three returning starters from last year. (This is just a hunch; if you’re not feeling it I don’t blame you.)
Xavier – Three guys returning from a team that was one game from the final four last year. Sean Miller is a great coach and they should go far.
VCU – They are young but they have a couple of things going for them. One, they just don’t get blown and two, a good match up with UCLA who is really down this year and may be tired as a program.
Minnesota - another hunch; don’t love them but they are capable of winning some games and I love Tubby. Maybe I do love them? Look at the state of Kentucky basketball for proof of how good a coach this guy is.
Gonzaga – This will be their year. They are playing well right now and should keep things going. It does scare me a bit that the committee did not give St. Mary’s an at large. Could be overrated. I did watch the game against Memphis and even though they lost they looked good at times. They played a great schedule that includes two of the four number one seeds in UConn and the previously mention Memphis. Also Tennessee (twice), Arizona, Oklahoma St, and Maryland.
Washington – Although they pooped on themselves in the Pac 10 tourney they are a very good team who could get to the regional finals if they catch a couple of breaks.
But like the fat chick who you bring home on whim this could all be for not. She very easily could settle for the hot pockets and passing out and I’m left holding a bracket full of crap.
More next week on my weekend with a fat chick and rounds 3 and 4.
* Any fat chicks who like vodka, porn and hoops can contact me here.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
"Cherry Pie"
This is a true story…..
Just the other day as I was on my lunch break I decided to head over to the local grocery store to pick up a few items. As I parked my car a sudden feeling came over me. My world started to slow down….think “Swingers” when they all got out of their cars. The movie slows and everybody’s walk looked gangsta. I started walking like that, with big sexy strides! At that moment I went from a skinny bastard to a 6’4” love machine. My hair perfect, ass..check, looking good!!
I had no idea why this sudden feeling of greatness came over me but I went with it. I continued walking, and as I am about to the end of the parking lot … it hits me, she hits me. Oh dear, Hot Girl in a business suit, 12 o’clock high! Thank You, Thank You!!
My first thought “holy shit, this is my Cindy Crawford moment.” Remember the Pepsi commercial with the little kid starring through the fence at Cindy…well I do and I will never forget it. It’s my mother fucking turn!
You know what…. this is my story...DJ!
Snare, snare, snare, snare, snare…."She’s my Cherry Pie, Cool drink of water, Such a sweet surprise, Taste so good, Make a grown man Cry, Sweet Cherry Pieeee, Oh Yeah!”
Again, in my mind the skinny bastard was left behind in the car sitting shotgun. I’m about to do this. I stair at her and sadly she hasn’t noticed me.
“What the fuck? I wonder if she is blind. She doesn’t have a walking stick but how can she not see me?” I’m screaming at her in my head “Hello, hot guy 25 ft away. Check out my sexy walk.”
“Well, Swingin on the front porch, Swingin on the lawn, Swingin where we want, Cause there ain’t nobody home, Swingin to the left And swingin to the right, If I think about baseball I’ll swing all night..yeah yeah”
We are both about to cross the middle of the street heading in opposite directions when a small wind kicks up.
DJ Crank this shit “Swingin in the living room, Swingin in the kitchen, Most folks don’t, Cause they’re too busy bitchin, Swingin in there, Cause she wanted me to feed her, So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater”
Boom….a small piece of paper flies from her hand.
What most of you don’t know is that “The Big Man” upstairs and I have a quality relationship. The long of the short is we basically have each others backs. He was clearly watching over me at this moment because the piece of paper dropped in the exact opposite direction of me. Like “The Big Man’s” hand came down pulled it from her and said "My good friend, this one is one the house."
Oh my, what has he done? Here comes the money shot…in a business suit none the less. “The Big Man” is clearly feeling it today.
“I scream, you scream, We all scream for her, Don’t even try, Cause you can’t ignore her, She’s my cherry pie”
Bam! She bends over, not like a lady of course but like a real freaking woman should….don’t bend your knees. Boom! Thong sticking out of her pants…oh my! Knees buckle…hang on big man, keep your game tight.
What you need to remember is that this is all happening in slow motion. The power of "The Big Man" and I’ve got Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” cranking in my head…this is a great moment.
I stare and stare some more. She slowly pulls the piece of paper off the street, swings her hair in every direction and than continues on her way! Dirty, Dirty Girl!!
Before continuing I look up…wink and point to the sky and whisper “Thank You, thank you kind sir”
And as I’m about to enter the store a random guy who works there looks at me and asks, “Did you just wink at God?”
Just the other day as I was on my lunch break I decided to head over to the local grocery store to pick up a few items. As I parked my car a sudden feeling came over me. My world started to slow down….think “Swingers” when they all got out of their cars. The movie slows and everybody’s walk looked gangsta. I started walking like that, with big sexy strides! At that moment I went from a skinny bastard to a 6’4” love machine. My hair perfect, ass..check, looking good!!
I had no idea why this sudden feeling of greatness came over me but I went with it. I continued walking, and as I am about to the end of the parking lot … it hits me, she hits me. Oh dear, Hot Girl in a business suit, 12 o’clock high! Thank You, Thank You!!
My first thought “holy shit, this is my Cindy Crawford moment.” Remember the Pepsi commercial with the little kid starring through the fence at Cindy…well I do and I will never forget it. It’s my mother fucking turn!
You know what…. this is my story...DJ!
Snare, snare, snare, snare, snare…."She’s my Cherry Pie, Cool drink of water, Such a sweet surprise, Taste so good, Make a grown man Cry, Sweet Cherry Pieeee, Oh Yeah!”
Again, in my mind the skinny bastard was left behind in the car sitting shotgun. I’m about to do this. I stair at her and sadly she hasn’t noticed me.
“What the fuck? I wonder if she is blind. She doesn’t have a walking stick but how can she not see me?” I’m screaming at her in my head “Hello, hot guy 25 ft away. Check out my sexy walk.”
“Well, Swingin on the front porch, Swingin on the lawn, Swingin where we want, Cause there ain’t nobody home, Swingin to the left And swingin to the right, If I think about baseball I’ll swing all night..yeah yeah”
We are both about to cross the middle of the street heading in opposite directions when a small wind kicks up.
DJ Crank this shit “Swingin in the living room, Swingin in the kitchen, Most folks don’t, Cause they’re too busy bitchin, Swingin in there, Cause she wanted me to feed her, So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater”
Boom….a small piece of paper flies from her hand.
What most of you don’t know is that “The Big Man” upstairs and I have a quality relationship. The long of the short is we basically have each others backs. He was clearly watching over me at this moment because the piece of paper dropped in the exact opposite direction of me. Like “The Big Man’s” hand came down pulled it from her and said "My good friend, this one is one the house."
Oh my, what has he done? Here comes the money shot…in a business suit none the less. “The Big Man” is clearly feeling it today.
“I scream, you scream, We all scream for her, Don’t even try, Cause you can’t ignore her, She’s my cherry pie”
Bam! She bends over, not like a lady of course but like a real freaking woman should….don’t bend your knees. Boom! Thong sticking out of her pants…oh my! Knees buckle…hang on big man, keep your game tight.
What you need to remember is that this is all happening in slow motion. The power of "The Big Man" and I’ve got Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” cranking in my head…this is a great moment.
I stare and stare some more. She slowly pulls the piece of paper off the street, swings her hair in every direction and than continues on her way! Dirty, Dirty Girl!!
Before continuing I look up…wink and point to the sky and whisper “Thank You, thank you kind sir”
And as I’m about to enter the store a random guy who works there looks at me and asks, “Did you just wink at God?”
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